I plan to write two separate blogs, one is currently sarcastic and witty and the other will be more serious of sentiment. Maybe thoughtful, pretentious. Guess which one will be the more marketable piece. Yes, not the thoughtful serious one. That one will be full of exotic, interesting words I’ve picked up and would like to use on anyone in arms reach. Like inculcated. Don’t even know what it means for sure yet, but it’s toothsome and I want someone to chew on it more soon. I would go on, but I’d rather you keep reading.
On principle, I don’t chew gum while taking a shit.
They say the use of handwriting is in steep decline, they don’t even teach cursive in many schools anymore. I’ve come around to improving mine (don’t hold your breath) particularly for letter writing. Specifically thank you cards, since I have no plans on penning anyone in the near future other than to say thanks for putting up with me.
However, writing on paper does appear to be a move gaining power as more of the world is solidly online. There is some really erotic stationary paper out there I plan on doing awful things to. However, on the subject of handwriting, I went to high school with a girl who had, no exaggeration, TYPE handwriting. In a variety of FONTS. She’s a typewriter and I’ve thought many times about having her do some letter writing work (in Times New Roman no less) when I’ve made something more than ramen and rent money. If you see pictures of handwritten blog paragraphs on here in the future, you’ll know I’ve made it out of my parent’s basement.
Once Upon A Time, Mr. Hopefully President Bernie Sanders brought in some really excellent Trump Tweets blown up on posterboard and presented them to Congress. During my time writing this, I’ve been reading How To Get A Meeting With Anyone (a book for mostly sales and marketing professionals) and the author does similar things, albeit more judiciously. These two experiences have led me to want to open an online poster printing store, focused on tweets, where you can browse different lists or people’s great bits on twitter, and then order some select ones to be printed out on big, impressive poster board. My first thought for the company name was Big Tweets, which would be cool. My second thought for the name was Hot Greasy Tweets, which is so much worse to hear spoken aloud, but arguably a lot more attention kidnapping. Hold on just a sec, the coffee has done its work on my bowels and I gotta go visit the washcloset to drop some Hot Greasy Tweets.
Conde Nast is an American mass media company. Imagine growing a rival company called Condor Nasty. I don’t think they would sue for much, especially if it turned out to be a Norwegian heavy metal band. Who wants tickets to go see Condor Nasty? 18+ obviously.
I heard an NPR broadcast about the mattress company Casper, who is struggling because people are filthy animals, and since Casper allows people to try out a mattress for 3 months and then return it if it’s not to their liking, they have to throw out like, 3 mattresses a person because you obviously don’t want to, nor are legally allowed to resell a used mattress thank god. First thought? Build-A-Bear mattresses. You pick your sandwich slices, they bolt them together, you get a new mattress. Then, after the unhappy customer returns the mattress, you can separate them into their constituent parts, and the slices of what is obviously no longer a mattress can be reincorperated into as many other mattresses as it takes to consume all the individual slices. Boom, reuse, reduce recycle. I take cash, check, and do not consider very many of my consequences. Thank you very much.
My next Tinder bio will feature the phrase “I’m such a slut for comprehensive medical coverage.”
I plan on having a home with a hot tub someday, and in the hot tub area, there will be a ringlet corded phone. I will pick up the phone, dial the front desk, and ask for bubbles. And whatever my naked guest’s choice of music would be. As well as crab cakes pressed in the shape of a crab, pedialyte, and some bourbon so cheap it would be something a Civil War soldier’s mother would drink. And then I would run out of money and sell the property but as the rest of the world will soon find, it’s too late, I’ve already won. Naked, standing in a hot tub draining out bubbly water, pedialyte and bourbon, winning.
I’ve been informed that Asia, Europe and Africa were all previously women’s names. I cannot cite sources, but it’s so attractive and apocryphal, why would you ruin the experience?
Having made a number of very effective changes to my life in the last two years, like not having pizza and beer comprise 90% of my calories and not brushing my teeth only when I can’t see white anymore, I plan to write the book, “How to Make Your Own Life Worse: A Practical Guide”. I expect to see how many things I can come up with, that I’ve done, or I know others have done, which actively make their life worse. Now, we won’t be solving any of these issues in this book unfortunately. You’ll have to wait for its companion volume, “Now You Know Your A Piece Of Shit And What To Do About It” which will be a lot less fun to read than it was to write. My condolences for your previous lifestyle.
Phone attention etiquette when speaking face to face with people is what separates the winners from the losers. We’re all short of dopamine here asshole. Pay attention long enough for us to talk about something substantial and we both might get a little bit of the good stuff.
Sometimes, my limited knowledge on various subjects congeals into kneecapped ideas I’ve never bothered to affirm nor deny, only to propagate with abandon. Do copper pipes disinfect the water that flows through them?
My little brother has a saying, he never wants to be any place where there are more people than teeth per square mile.
Having had an amount of hair that qualifies me for this statement, I think hair, maybe just my hair, responds to how I feel and where I’m at emotionally. This would make many things clear, actually. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been manic, and by gosh, the follicles know and show the difference. If only the rest of my body hair was so enthusiastic about how it’s day has been.
Imagine a lawyer drawing up a contract, converting it into a QR code, and your scanning of the QR code, besides downloading of the contract, was the signature. Actually though, how much information can be on a QR code? I would put all sorts of silly things in there and then let the unsuspecting passerby familiarize themselves with my content. It would be an intellectual massacre.
A thing I’ve thought about before would be something like those shareable contact cards (might just be iPhone) that are generated when you want to send John Doe’s contact, or receive Jane Doe’s contact card, complete with address, email, DOB, maybe even nicknames and notes. Except for businesses (which are auto updated), revenue, sales to date, basically all publicly available information. You could even attach your contact info (like a regular business card) to the data. I can’t tell if this is a useful innovation, or an expressly obvious conclusion. No really, this will continue to be a problem you will keep seeing from here on out. But only if you keep reading, thankfully.
The foolish ways of yesterday.
Craaab people… Craaaaab people… taste like crab, talks shit like people….
Is an interest in dragons correlated with an interest in dinosaurs? As well as vice-versa. I would like to fund research on this absence of relevant data.
Is the composition of, ‘obnoxious’, literally just the pairing ‘of noxious’, thus, “this thing is being poison”? Because I would be inclined to agree that annoying people are bad for the health.
I think I want to replace one of the back seats of my car with a bookshelf, so the choicest volumes are never far from daddy. And so that I have reading material for passengers to peruse at their leisure, all the while getting a curated highlight reel of who I want them to think I am, as I deftly ignore traffic laws and lovingly graze pedestrians. They will never know; hopefully they’ll be too busy reading. But if they do know it’s probably because, in a sudden fit of acceleration, I have arranged to have another person’s license plate to be pressed against their face. Think of it as a rapidly advancing reading class.
A thoughtful mention 